Guilt.
It’s the feeling of broken diets, yelling at our kids, not calling a friend in need.
It’s the sensation that we’re doing something we’re not supposed to do – or not doing something we are supposed to do.
Guilt is often seen as an unpleasant, even shameful, emotion, but it may actually be getting a bad rap. It is built into the human emotion pack for a reason: it’s an effective motivator. It can get us to do the right thing, and to avoid doing things that are harmful to ourselves or to society.
The problem is actually misplaced guilt: feeling guilty about something that’s not inherently wrong, or something that we can’t change. When guilt is misplaced, the experience turns from a positive (if uncomfortable) motivator into a negative trap.
In the world of caring for aging parents, guilt takes center stage for many family caregivers, especially those caring from a distance. Adult children, already juggling their own lives, families and responsibilities, doing their best to be present, both tactically and emotionally, on a daily basis for their aging parents, are overwhelmed with guilt:
Guilt about not doing enough, or doing it well enough
Guilt about feeling angry or frustrated at the situation
Guilt about living far away
Guilt about not spending enough time with their partners, or children
Guilt about not spending enough time with their aging parent
Guilt about bringing in outside help to assist with caregiving
Guilt about moving a loved one to a care facility
Motivator or emotional burden? Does your guilt motivate you to do more? Do something differently? Do the right things? Or is the guilt misplaced, fostered by unrealistic expectations of what you can and should be doing – creating an emotional burden that drains you of time, energy and emotion?
How can I tell when guilt is misplaced?
First, listen to what your guilt is saying. Is the voice inside your head (guilt!) insisting that you spend more time with your parents? Help out around the house more? Move to live closer to them? Never lose your patience?
The power of misplaced guilt is that we don’t actually take the time to analyze if it’s accurate or not. Let’s get in under a microscope and take away that power.
For every point that your guilt keeps harping on, ask yourself:
Could I do it differently? (i.e. do I have the ability to do more, etc.)
Should I do it differently? (i.e. what would be the consequences of my doing more, etc.
Here’s an example:
“My mother lives an hour and a half away and recently became immobile. She’s stuck in the house all day and it’s really hard for such a social person. My brother lives closer. He helps her on a regular basis. Whenever I speak to my mother, she talks about how lonely she is. She mentions how good it is whenever my brother comes by and how much she would love to see me.”
GUILT ALERT!
Is it misplaced or not? Can’t tell yet. Let’s go through the steps.
Step 1: What is the guilt telling you?
To cure your mother’s loneliness by spending more time with her. How much more time? Ask your guilt. Longer visits? Every week? Every day?
Step 2: Now let’s stick that under a microscope. Could you spend more time with her?
The answer depends how much more time, and on your other responsibilities. Let’s say that you work in the mornings, and take care of your kids in the afternoons, and have community-related commitments two evenings a week. You already make a family trip to see Grandma one weekend a month. That leaves three other weekends free. Your guilt is telling you that you should pack up the kids and go every weekend to visit your mother. Maybe you should even get a babysitter some afternoon/evenings and go out to spend some one-on-one time with her. Maybe you should do that once, twice or three times a week.
Don’t panic. Take a deep breath and move on to the next step.
Step 3: Should you spend all that time with her?
What will happen to your kids if they spend every weekend at your mother’s house? Will they love it, because they absolutely love Grandma and her games and cookies? Or will they resent not being able to be in their own home and play with their neighbors and local friends?
Will driving three hours every weekend be a smooth, fun time listening to everyone’s favorite music and story CDs? Or will it be a nightmare you’ll need another 24 hours to recover from?
What will happen to you if you give up every weekend? Or if you get the babysitter and use your afternoon and evening for your mother, returning late at night? Will you thrive and feel amazing that you’re able to give so much to your mother? Or will you feel resentful and/or burnout?
There’s no one right answer.
Everyone’s answers are going to be different, because everyone’s life, priorities and commitments look different. One person may end up toting the kids to Grandma’s every weekend (and a bunch of weekday afternoons to boot), and the whole family will look back on those days as the best ever. Another person may end up dedicating more phone time during the week to her mother. Yet another will come to the conclusion that she’s maxed out in her life and responsibilities right now, and if she adds one more thing, it will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
There is no objective “right” answer. There’s only the right answer for you, in your life, right now. To get there, you have to be intellectually and emotionally honest, and find the point of intersection between your value of being there for your parents and your current ability to do so. If you’ve gone through the above steps, come to a thought-out conclusion, and put it into practice, then there is no natural place for guilt, because you know what you should be doing.
It’s what you are doing.
Don’t carry your guilt. Use it or dump it.
Guilt was included in the human emotion pack with the intention of being a short-term, motivational emotion. If that’s how you use it, fantastic. It’s doing its job.
If guilt is turning your life into one long “I’m horrible but I’m stuck being horrible” down-on-me fest, it’s time to get that guilt out into the sunlight and expose it for what it really is.
If you could do it and you should do it – well then, use your guilt as jet propulsion, and go ahead and do it!
But if either of those are not the case, use your jet propulsion to send your guilt out of the hatch without a tether line. Get rid of it, and focus your emotions on doing what you can and should be doing.
And if you’re doing it, don’t forget: feel good about it.