This blog is the first of a twopart series addressing the challenge of caring for an elderly parent who is resistant to assistance. Part 1 discusses our philosophy on how to approach the challenge in a way that allows your parents to get the help they need, along with dignity and maximum independence.

If you are reading this, you are probably in your late 40s to early 60s, and a member of the “sandwich generation,” a growing group of adult children trying to figure out how to help your parents when they can no longer care for themselves.

Your life is already a juggling act. You have three balls constantly in the air, you, your family, your career, and now there is a fourth: caring for mom, dad or both. Or maybe your parents are still doing fine – but it only takes a look around at your friends and neighbors to know what’s coming.

You want to be there for your parents, as they were there for you. You want to help. You want to make things better. You are concerned, worried. Maybe even sick with worry. You feel burdened (even though you won’t use that word), and you feel guilty that you feel burdened.

So, with a deep breath you dive in and (lovingly) take on the responsibility. Take control. Except you hit a wall: your parents don’t want your help. They don’t want any help at all. They don’t need help, they say.

When the world turns upside down

Suddenly your parent-child relationship takes a 180 degree turn. You gently push your parents to accept help. Your well-intentioned suggestions turn into exasperated demands. The more you push, the more your parents pull backThis is usually when we get a panicked call: “My dad needs a live-in caregiver, but he won’t listen to me,” or “It’s time for mom to move to assisted living, but she refuses!”

There is an ocean of advice available on how to “deal with resistant parents.” Leading authorities will urge you to include your parents in the decision-making process, suggesting that you ask your parents about their preferences, so that you can take them into account when making decisions. Some resources will urge children to enlist the help and support of other family members, and to be persistent. The problem is that much of the prevailing wisdom seems to accept an inevitable parent-child role reversal: an assumption that the adult child knows what is best for their parent; that the adult child is the decision-maker.

But in real life, older adults fiercely hold on to their independence, sometimes at all costs. They may need help managing their money, they may help getting in and out of the car. They may need you to go with them to the doctor. But they have no intention of relinquishing autonomy or control.

So, often this is where concerned adult children come on even stronger. It’s hard NOT to come on strong. It’s an expression – conscious or not – of their strong love and desire to help their parent.

But it’s critical to realize that coming off strong is probably not going to convince your parents to accept the help you feel they need. In fact, it may have the opposite effect. Sometimes we even see aging parents emotionally fire their children. They shut themselves off, stop answering phone calls, stopped communicating… not because they don’t love their children. Rather, because the overturning of the existing relationship had become too painful, too jarring, and they are doing the only thing in their power to protect themselves.

So what CAN a concerned child do to help their resistant parent?

#1: Do not flip the relationship and attempt to “parent your parent.”

While your concern and care for your parent might tell you that that is the right thing to do, fight that instinct. It usually creates an (understandable) knee-jerk opposition reaction in the people who burped you, changed your diapers, helped you with homework and taught you to drive. Instead –

Actively communicate your respect for your parent as an adult, despite the changes they are going through.

Shelley Christensen, co-founder of Jewish Disability Awareness and Inclusion Month, said it beautifully in an article that described the relationship she has with her aging mother:

“I told Mom, ‘I never want to be your decision-maker. This is your life, your choices. I can find information, make appointments, sit with you in meetings with caregivers and take notes so we can discuss them later. I can tell you what I think, but only when you ask. And I can do what daughters do. I can visit you, make sure you have the food you like in the house, encourage you to get involved in the many things offered in your new home that you’ve been interested in your whole life, like singing, knitting and going to Shabbat services.

‘What I cannot, and will not do, is make your decisions for you. Not after you’ve lived your entire adult life making your own decisions.’ “

Facilitate independence as much as possible.

The drive for independence is built into the fiber of human beings. Independence is a beautiful and incredible gift. We fought for it when we were toddlers, and again when we were teenagers, and then we take it for granted until we begin to lose it as we age. Then it again becomes a fight.

Society tends to dictate to those who naturally have less independence, and that’s no different with seniors. The medical community, the government… doctors and bureaucrats aren’t out to facilitate your parent’s independence. That’s up to you, as their child and advocate.

Honor independence and dignity. When we work with seniors, every step we take is consciously driven by our deep understanding of, and respect for, the need and right of older adults to maximum independence, freedom, and choice of where and how to age. Our role is to support and empower, not to direct.

#2 Utilize parties outside the parent-child relationship.

Children who internalize the goal of empowering, rather than dictating, will have a higher chance of being able to get their parents the help they need. But let’s be honest. Sometimes, a parent just won’t accept any kind of guidance from their children, no matter how knowledgeable or capable they are, and no matter how emotionally aware or sensitive they try to be. Other times, despite the best of intentions, adult children just aren’t able to separate their own distress from the needs of their parents, leaving them helpless to support their parent in the way they need and deserve.

When that happens, don’t be afraid to look outside the family for support: a friend, a doctor, a relative, a clergyman or a geriatric care professional. With love coupled with wisdom, you’ll be able to help your parent make the transition to a new stage of life.

Stay tuned for Part 2 discussing real life examples of putting our philosophy into action.